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  • Nukhet Hendricks

Comfort & Courage

Updated: May 13




BOTH/AND


Has my mind has become so linear that I find it challenging to entertain the notion of both/and at the same time today? I don't know if it is just today or has it been happening for some time now. And that has to change.


Today is one of the most difficult days of my quarantine. I have been sheltering in place since March 16th. I feel delighted being alone, yet I wonder if it is normal. Shouldn't I want to be with other people at a time like this? Or maybe because I have been so exhausted during the last three years that I don't have the energy to carry anyone else and their emotions full time, so maybe it is the best thing for me to be physically alone right now.

I feel relief that my only obligation is to work, stay home, and stay healthy. And I feel utterly guilty because I think that is my sole obligation right now. I feel obligated to listen to the news to stay informed, and I yet, I want to close my ears and not hear one more word ever again.


The wind has been so strong for the last two days, and it feels like it keeps stirring all my energy, and I feel all stirred up. I am ready to climb up the walls. I am restless and calm. I am full and starving. I am tired and wide awake. I don’t want to talk and I want to tell you everything that has been happening in my heart.


Whenever I look outside, my neighbor to my right is always at her balcony smoking. It feels like she doesn't eat, sleep or move, but smokes all day long. I can understand why she might be smoking more now than before. If you are a smoker, that's the only way you can keep yourself calm, or rather numb. I used to smoke. It has been eight years since I touched a cigarette. It is rather curious that I don't have a craving for a cigarette during this extremely traumatic time. They say that's when a slip up happens, but I think I am numbing myself with food, so who needs the cigarette. I wonder if I would go for one if going out to the store wasn't such a chore.


When this is all over and not all over, what kind of a story do I want to live? That's what I want to know.

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